My kids don't listen. I tell them to stop something and they keep doing it. Do your kids do this? I yell. I can't help it. Do you yell? I'm actually very calm and people watch amazed as I calmly watch my kids go crazy, running, screaming, chasing, and jumping. However, there are those times when I can't help it. STOP! What does STOP mean? AHHHHHHH!!!! And then they often talk back to me! Well the oldest does. I'm pulling my hair out! Then I read a post like Ginny's from Small Things. I mention her a lot don't I? She wrote something along the lines of how she yelled at her son and he felt so bad and she felt so bad. Something like that. Anyway, it was as if she never yells. And she probably doesn't. But I was just like damn! I yell a lot. My kids don't even notice it. That's bad, huh? (I just told my daughter to stop screaming at the top of her lungs. I don't think she heard me.) I'm thinking that I need to blog a lot less, read a lot less, sew a lot less. I seem to get frustrated most when they interrupt something I'm doing. So selfish of me, right? So if I focus on them more, do things with them more, then they cannot frustrate me as much. That is why I am planning to have pre-k with my oldest. Nothing major, but just something to keep my focus on the kids. OR I could do nothing but drink beer. Just sit and drink beer. No multitasking. They cannot interrupt that. I want to be fully there for them, but remain sane myself. Any suggestions? ...No parenting books! They drive me nuts.
Ohhhhh, I feel your pain! I yell, cajole, beg, nag, plead, tear my hair out. They seem to just tune me out sometimes. I don't get it.
ReplyDeleteI hate the thought that I need to give up EVEN MORE than I already have. I've always thought that my parents didn't play even a smidgen as much as I do with my kids. And we would play outside all day! Man, what I could get done if my kids were to play outside by themselves for more than 15 minutes!
I have not been the least bit helpful, have I?
I'll be darned if I know the answer. My beverage of choice is a glass of wine.
May I join this drinking-to-ease-the-pain session?? Sorry, Megan...I'm no help, either. I can't give up any more of myself, but honestly, the more I give, the more my son takes. He has an unquenchable thirst for more, More, MORE and that makes me mad, Mad, MAD! I know people who have "placid" (as my Australian MIL calls them) children...like Ginny's son. And those without (us). I have come to the point where I'm giving up...my child is feral - he was that way when I was on top of parenting and he's still that way now...no better, no worse. Let's get them all together in a mosh pit so we can get down to drinking business!! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI swear I wished we lived closer together. We and our daughters seem to always be on the same page/wave length. Today was a hard day for me as well. I yelled and got mad more than I probably have in her whole life. How do you get the space to process life major challenges when you have an almost 4 year old always demanding something. I know I will feel completely guilty in about a day or two. If I drank I would join the rest of you.
ReplyDeleteI've become a "yeller" recently, and I don't like it. Not only is it depressing, but it doesn't work at all.
ReplyDeleteI often feel the same way as Tonya, that I'm a much more involved parent than my own parents were with me, but then I realize that my kids are so little that I could very well be wrong. Sure, I don't remember them spending so much time interacting with me (even though my mom was a SAHM), but my memories are largely from preschool on, and my babies are both younger than that. It's very possible that she was just as involved when I was that young, and I don't remember.
Tonight I tried the old, supposedly tried-and-true advice I've heard from several people. After gently asking my kids not to dance on the back of the couch, then raising my voice, then yelling (they turned and grinned at me, little punks, and kept climbing/dancing), I whispered, "Will you please stop?" They both saw my lips moving and froze, trying to figure out what was going on. So I whispered it again, and they actually both listened! I'm sure the newness of this trick will wear off quickly and I'll be back to physically removing them from climbing the drapes, but for tonight, it was nice to have my two toddler monsters listen to me without a screaming fit.
I hate that I am a yeller as well. I was raised in a family that yells, and I never really liked it. Made me fear confrontation. So when I start to yell at my daughter, I am not super happy with myself which, of course, makes me yell more. It is, after all, her fault. Right? Not really.
ReplyDeleteI find that with Emma, if I give her about 15 minutes a few times a day, she has less problems. The thing is, I have to actually be there with her for those 15 or so minutes. It is really hard sometimes because her games have all these convoluted rules, but it really works for us. The other thing I have heard, used, and noticed that it worked is this. When Emma is doing something I don't want her to do, telling her to stop does not work. Telling her what I would prefer her to be doing usually does. I have heard that kids will focus mostly on the last words out of your mouth, not the first. So if you yell, "Stop running!!" they hear running. If you yell, "Please walk!" it might register a bit more for them.
Anyway, my two cents worth.
Hope this helps a bit!
Oh, and I really get annoyed when Emma interrupts what I am doing. She has a knack for waiting until I get into a groove before she needs me for something. She is lucky she is cute :)
I think we have all been there... and I appreciate your honesty. Sometimes I get into a funk and have to scream at the top of my lungs to get my oldest to acknowledge me, and then I think the neighbors must think I am nuts. Parenting is a tough job. If you figure it out, please let me know!!
ReplyDeleteDUDE. I feel ya. I yell too. We all yell at least now and them, right? I think some of us just don't want to admit it! ;) (Just kidding)
ReplyDeleteBut - seriously - my oldest is a wild child, and has grown a lot, but last year it was INTENSE. There was much yelling. There were many time outs. (I would read those books that said time outs were wrong and wonder whose kids they were raising!) There was a time we sprayed each other with a hose in the front yard, and not because we were having fun! (Though we did laugh about it later.)
Um, yeah.
You know, I think we all just do the best we can. And from the looks of things, you are doing a great job. Go easy on yourself, hang in there.
And thanks for being honest. We need more honest in the world!
PS - If you listen really hard while looking at some of my oh-so-peaceful-looking blog photos, you might just hear the faint sound of me yelling! ;)
ReplyDeleteIve always been a fairly chilled out, non confrontational person but kids do have the most amazing ability to really REALLY wind you up. Mostly its the same, if I dare to try and do anything for myself or somethig boring like cleaning they suddenly are all over me . Ive found that its better to have other folks kids around too because I naturally play with them all more and they play together giving you time to do other stuff. I know you said you diont like parenting books but 'the idle parent' by tom hodgkinson makes for quite a funny read. Some good ideas in there although I have the strong suspician he was the idle one andhis wife did alot of the looking after children bit!! Anyways, hold on in there...you are not alone!! x
ReplyDeleteI just want to say how much I love the honesty in this post. After reading some blogs, and how they're gentle parents, I feel so terrible about myself. I'm a yeller. I don't like it. I wish I was a gentle parent. I just don't know how to be. This made me realize I'm not alone. I can't tell you how much of a relief that is on my heart.
ReplyDeleteWith 3 kids - and 8-year-old who whines constantly, a 5-year-old who has developed a "you're not the boss of me" attitude, and a 3-year-old who is the most wild I have ever seen a child. The messes that they make but never want to clean up. All of them have temper tantrums the instant you say "no" ("I WANT CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!!!), the tattling. I can go on and on. I just don't know how to handle it all, so I yell. I know it accomplishes nothing that I want it to - only making the kids afraid of me and causing them to be yellers themselves.
I wish I had answers to share, but I need some myself.
I hope you have a peaceful weekend!
Little Dotty Bird - Idle Parent is the best! I love it! But it's not a normal parenting book :-)
ReplyDeleteEveryone else, yay!!!! All kids besides mine are not angels, I feel so good :-)
Amanda - my daughter says she doesn't love me anymore, everyday. and my other daughter is in a repeating phase. mommy, i want milk, can i have milk, milk, milk, milk, milk! I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!!!!!!
"I want milk" is Emma's mantra!
ReplyDeleteOh man, I feel your pain...
Oh, hey! I suddenly thought of something really simple that actually has helped us a lot:
So, a while ago I started telling her it was "time to do something," instead of asking if she wanted to do it. Instead of, "do you want to go to the store, etc?" (To which she would say NO! And then the craziness would begin...) I started saying, "It's time go to the store." And it's made things easier, for real. I don't always remember to do it, but when I do it helps minimize arguing...thought I'd throw that out there in case it helps at all... :)
No child is an angel, no matter how much their parents want to believe, or better, want OTHERS to believe. Everyone has moments with their children, some don't mention them (maybe for fear of what others will think?) and then others do :) I know I've yelled at Chase a lot in the past week (and I hate myself for doing it because he really is an awesome kid), but when you are told repeatedly to do something (or not) and it's like talking to a wall, then sometimes yelling to get a point across is needed. (I think my problem is I have a tween on my hands now.. I get the eye roll a lot lately).
ReplyDeleteI do apologize when I have to raise my voice, because I certainly don't like having to do so, but sometimes it's needed.
Chin up! You're an awesome Mom!
Right there with you mama! We haven't started the talking back phase (or the talking phase) but my son has become really fond of screaming "NOOO!" at the top of his lungs whenever he doesn't get what he wants. Clenched fists, red face and all. And I find that my patience is super short when I'm on the computer or trying to do anything that involves more concentration than folding laundry (or drinking beer!) All too often I snap at my little monster when he interrupts my train of thought, when really I should just shut the damn laptop, get down on the floor and play. As much as I love being home with him, I think it's tricky finding the balance between mom-time and me-time.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any real advice other than go easy on yourself. I think our kids need to see our real, raw emotions at times. And I totally support the idea of just sitting and drinking a beer. Beer and deep breaths!
You sound like just like me! There's no easy answer and shouting helps vent the frustration. By 5pm, I find myself losing my temper if not earlier. The only thing that tends to work is counting to 3 because they know at 3 something is going to be turned off or taken away. Reading these blogs doesn't help and I don't understand how these parents cope. I try and read other blogs with a pinch of salt. The only advice I have listened to is my husband's and when Sam was born I bought Dr Sears parenting book (I know you said no books) but it was great as it was all for being comfortable - no instructions or strict routines. Yes, be easy on yourself as you're doing a great job and you're all that matters as far as your kids are concerned :) x
ReplyDeleteLoved reading your post and all the comments- I've moved on from yelling too much to probably threatening too much- I do stick to my threats so they are not idle but non the less I wish I was not constantly thinking 'what would affect/make him the most miserable' and then taking that away- not exactly how I thought I would be parenting.
ReplyDeleteI just yesterday posted an "I am so mad, my family doesn't care a whit about what I say when I say it and oh, by the way did I mention that my husband is off doing his favorite hobby while I have been listening to the Toddler scream for an hour and fifteen minutes instead of taking a nap!?" post. I felt better for posting, but like you said here, I have to wonder what in me was so selfish that I couldn't sit and rub my daughter's back while she went to sleep? I have been here... I am here daily... but I wouldn't trade my kids for anything. Thank you for your honesty.... It is refreshing!
ReplyDeletePS. I don't think Ginny is perfect. But I do think it's hard to live up to the standards we see in the blogosphere. I have to remind myself sometimes that what we see is the sugar and candy of the homes we enter through blogs. If perfection were that easy to attain, we would all have perfect families, wouldn't we?
Oh my, I always feel a little suspicious of someone who claims they never ever yell. . . I think we all do to some extent! Definitely there can be too much yelling, and it's easy to get into a funk and hard to climb back out of it. I think by being aware of it, wanting to change, finding things that set you off that you can do something about, it's all good.
ReplyDeleteAdvice I would give, is while you're trying not to yell so much, don't be hard on yourself, Mama. There are so many times I feel like such an awful Mama and forget about all the good that happened in the day.
And by the way, I often feel that my kids don't listen to what I'm saying. . . you're not alone!
Oh gosh I realized it sounded like I was saying that I was suspicious of Ginny. . . that's not what I meant at all! I was trying to say that I think most of us yell from time to time, some more than others- but definitely we all have our moments.
ReplyDeleteIt's easy to read a blog and get the wrong idea, that someone's life is perfect.
<3
oh I know Ginny is not perfect and I know that a lot of blogs capture the "good moments" and that's fine. I try to do that as well. It was just that her post got me thinking about the amount I yell.
ReplyDeletethere was always what i call the witching hours...the hours after afternoon nap but before dinner and they were the hardest for me. my solution: get them outside and wear them out. when it was too hot, i just put them at the table and kept their hands busy with playdoh, making bread, etc. this will pass - wishing you luck!
ReplyDeleteI have to chime in here too :) I also try to put up the positives about our lives on my blog, with a healthy dose of reality from time to time. My hubs told me yesterday that I swear much more now than before I had kids. I guess I didn't have much to swear about back then. We definitely all vent and really it would be a little eerie otherwise, how would kids learn what to do after they blew their cool...? I think it's fine for them to see us lose it and also to see that we're still here, still loving them, still working out our own shit... I guess this isn't 'helpful' at all, just commiserating :)
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